Going Somewhere?

Negativity plagues my blog. Sorry folks but that's how moi is like. Born pessimist. My inability to fight the dark forces only lures me to succumb to join them.

Nip it in the bud. Easier said than done. Pull myself from all that shit is a tremendous painstaking task. And why have I gotten myself in all that shit to begin with? Frustrating it can be. It will soon reach a point where I will just throw everything behind and not do anything. That's what i really feel like doing. Escape! That's a cowardy action i know. Besides that, I have no inkling how to proceed from here. No matter how i have tried, it still doesn't seem enough. Maybe i'm not trying harder? It's draining and my faith is dwindling if you realized.

You can't possibly have the best of both worlds. It's so unfair why some people can. Maybe i'm just complaining too much. But i don't think im asking too much. Just abit more of your attention, your affection and that your care. I don't need you to be my full-time chauffeur, my 24-hour body guard, my faithful and loyal dog who follows me around or my laptop bag porter. I don't need all that. I just need alittle bit more of your companionship, your friendship and your care and concern. And that you speak your mind and never lie to me. Not too demanding or too unreasonable a request, isnt it? Nevermind the love. I'm not even asking for that.

People say i'm being silly. Downgrading my expectations so that you can meet it. Some say i dont deserve all these treatment. Some tell me to go outside and look for a better catch. I deserve someone better. And that you are the loser who doesn't know how to cherish what you have. It's not a matter of whether you are being too carefree. It seems to me you never really appreciate and treasure what you have. In that sense, you are just like any other human beings. You will probably only understood how important this meant to you when you lose it although you said you probably will get over it in a matter of days. That i seriously doubt so even though you said it's part of your nature to be like that.

I like to second guess. It's instinctive of me to do so. Now with your lukewarm attitude, the occurancee of me second guessing your actions are even higher. I hate myself when i do that. But i just cant simply help it. In fact, i'm tired of doing that. Can you see im waving a white flag? It's tiring to behave enthusiastic when you are obviously no longer clapping along with me. My palms are sore and red from all that clapping. And so were my eyes from all that crying a few weeks back.

I feel hollow now. Like i'm at the bottom of the rollar-coaster ride. I'm anticipating to soar up again but yet i fear the inevitable plunging feeling when i'm at the top. It's scary especially for someone with a phobia of heights. Why can i be riding on one of the ponies at the carousel? It's so much secure and everyone likes security. Up and down we go. Round and round we go. Bliss and happiness follows.

Are you waiting for me to give up? Are you trying to achieve this with all your lukewarm attitude? Is that you really want to do so that you will feel better if we go separate ways? Is that how you want it to happen so you won't hurt me so much? Are you trying to alleviate the devastated-ness that i will feel if you decide to give up and split now? Are you waiting and waiting for the day to come?

I won't give up. At least for now. But if your attitude continues, i know my faith will dwindle. I know i will soon reach THAT threshold. You are probably hoping it will come soon. Especially with the mundanity and monotone-ness of life. The future just looks bleak. Which can be especially disheartening when my beloved said she doesn't know whether she should wish me good luck.

Can I have the old you back? And the good old days when we used to chat online everyday which used to be the highlight of our days? I will sincerely wish to prolong the period of time. The mysterious shroud surrounding our identities. I wish I played harder to get. Probably you will cherish me more. Perhaps I wont have made such a hasty decision and gotten myself into this pitless shit hole. Perhaps.